Literally pulled out of traffic.
God knows what time it was. She might. I have no clue. I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a mental state like that before…and that is saying something.
But there it was, sometime late at night, in the wal*mart parking lot. Don’t remember going there. I have no clue what I came to get. Not that I am certain I actually went there to get anything.
I remember getting out of the car and walking toward a cart return, while she tried to make me stop. I kicked and kicked and kicked that heavy cart return. I have places on my calves where I swear it’s still bruised from that night. After a few kicks, she decided that she wouldn’t stay there while I did that too myself, so she went and sat in the car. I kept kicking. At some point, once again I have no grasp on the timing of this night, I stopped kicking and sat down in the parking lot. By this point it had started to rain and she was demanding/begging that I get in the car with her. I would not. She drove over to where I was sitting and tried to get me to join her in the warm dry car. I still would not. I did, however, stand up.
Instead of joining her in the car, I walked furiously towards the back of the wal*mart building itself. She got out of the car and followed me as quickly as she could. I tried to go behind some storage buildings she got in front of me. I wanted so badly to push her out of the way…but I couldn’t, not even in that mental state, So, I changed paths and began walking as close as I could to the road. She was staying as close to me as she could. She knew exactly what I was planning and she was trying to figure out a way to stop me. Some time before that, she had tried to hold me back from walking away from her and she couldn’t, so she knew that it would take something less physical to stop this act of self-destruction.
She tried all she could to guess which way I would try to go so that she could cut off my path to the road. She was successful, for a minute, The moment that I had an opening, i darted out into the road. She came and stood in front of me, so begrudgingly I would walk back into the parking lot. I couldn’t be the reason she died. That happened a couple times. Then I decided to wait until cars were close, not giving her anytime to save me.I had to act fast,there were cars approaching. I don’t know how many, though in my mind I pictured two or three. I jumped out into the road, without much space between life and death and all at once…I was back in the parking lot.
I am so much stronger than she is, especially when I am angry, which I was. Yet somehow, she pulled me out of the road. She grabbed me and pulled me away from death. In an instant I was supposed to be OK again. I was supposed to not be mad anymore. I was supposed to understand all the things that had been occurring. All I understood was that I finally had the guts to die and she stole it from me.